I've been with my boyfriend (he?s 26, I?m 22)?for four and a half years.?He's my first ever?boyfriend?and for a long time I wanted him to be my last. Put simply, the guy's amazing. Kind, caring, considerate, selfless, generous beyond words.?(I get "period presents" ? flowers, books, magazines,?my favourite snacks ? EVERY month so to?help me get through?the menstruating process.) Except for the past four and a half years, I've been plagued with the worry that he is gay. Here is my evidence:
1. He has no interest in me sexually. Lots of kisses and cuddles, but when it comes to the bedroom, it's two minutes of foreplay, four minutes of thrusting, then he comes and it's over. This has been a HUGE issue in our relationship, one that I have expressed countless times?and?have?even?broken up with him over twice before.?Each time it comes up, I say something along the lines of "Babe, my self-esteem is shot. I am starting to loathe my body because clearly it's not turning you on. I'm not asking that you jackhammer me for an hour. I'm asking that either before or after you come, if I could get a bit of finger action until I come, that would be great." Each time he nods and says ?I promise things will change.? Except they don't. At all. In the four and?a half years we've been together, I can count on one hand how many times he's made it about me and my satisfaction in?the bedroom. Two nights ago I begged him to tell me why, why?this is?and all he could mumble?was "I'm selfish." This does not make sense to me, since he is the least selfish person I know. In fact, his therapist (who he just started seeing because now he can't get an erection because I'm always telling him he's not satisfying me) actually told him he has a "rescuer" personality, which means he's constantly putting other people's needs and wants before his own, so why not in this case with me?
2. He lives and breathes for Madonna. I'm talking he has a collection of Madonna stuff worth tens of thousands of dollars.
3. Every single male friend he's ever had?have ALL been gay.
4. He went through this period when he was 20 where he thought he was gay (he says this was based on the fact that since high school everyone told him he was gay), so one night he?fooled around (everything but sex) with one of his gay mates and thats when, according?to him, he realized he is definitely?not gay.
5.?All my friends (including my male gay friend) and family?think he's gay.
6. His dad who?has bullied him about being 'unmanly' and?'weak' his whole life is homophobic (although that didn't stop my boyfriend's younger brother from coming out to the?family).
I broke up with him three nights ago. It was the worst break up, very ugly. Me smashing shit, screaming "I hate you, I hate you." Him standing there looking at his feet. I went to my dad's place. I've been there ever since.?We haven't?spoken. The thing is I still really love him.?I need to know whether I should ONCE AGAIN give it another go, or?am I wasting my time because he's quite possibly gay or asexual. Should we just have an open relationship and I get the sex elsewhere? My brother tells me I'm being a moron because sex is only a small part of the relationship and I'll never find someone who is otherwise as perfect for me as?he is.?Oh I should probably tell you that I've asked/confronted him about being gay probably three times in our relationship. Each time he swears, he PROMISES?that he is not and tells me how hurt and shit that makes him feel to know that his own girlfriend also doubts his sexuality. ?Please help me!
A lot of the questions I get for this column can be boiled down to, ?Am I gay?? There are often clues hidden in the e-mail ? like the fact that you're writing to me in the first place ? but ultimately I can't give any better advice than ?I dunno, fuck some girls and see what it does for you.? More recently, I've gotten several variations on ?Is my boyfriend / sister / boss gay?? And my answer to those ? since I don't get to hear the perspective of the person in question ? is usually ?Jesus Christ, how should I know?? For you, however, a different approach is in order.? Is your boyfriend gay?? I don't know, but get the fuck out of there.
I understand that it can be difficult to come to this conclusion about someone you still love, but your boyfriend ? your ex-boyfriend, actually, since you broke up and I fervently hope you stay that way ? is an asshole.? He is a selfish douchebadger.? He is a Giant Costco Variety Pack of juiceboxes.? He is the goddamn worst.
So what is his fucking deal?? I don't know, I mean, there are a few options, but I don't care about any of them because he's so heinous.? OK, fine:? Maybe he's secretly gay, and? can't deal with lady-bits, so he gets the sex over with as fast as he can.? This is no excuse.? If he's not ready to come out, he at least needs to stop torturing innocent women.? Maybe he's straight, but just not attracted to you for some reason.? This is no excuse.? Don't date people you don't want to fuck, it only leads to misery.? Maybe he's actually asexual.? This is the closest to being an excuse, except that it's extremely clear that YOU have a libido even if he doesn't, and if he has zero interest in getting you off, he should have mentioned that before you hit the six-month mark, let alone four years.? Maybe he's super? insecure about being unable to get you off and figures if he doesn't try, well, at least he won't really have failed.? This is also no excuse, since he is older than 16, and therefore capable of taking constructive criticism like a grown-up.? Basically, THERE IS NO EXCUSE for this dude's behavior.
I don't care that he likes Madonna, has tons of gay friends, or doesn't get along with his father.? All of those are totally irrelevant to his insane sexual selfishness.? (If he's such a rescuer, why doesn't he feel the need to rescue you from the pain and heartbreak of blue balls?? No.? He's selfish, and also terrible.)? You've spent FOUR AND A HALF YEARS trying to convince him to satisfy you sexually, and he's spent those same four and a half years going ?maybe next time??? And then he gets pissy that you ?doubt his sexuality??? UGH, I hate him.
You didn't leave him because he might be gay.? You left him because he could not be bothered to put any effort into your satisfaction.? This is a completely legit reason for a breakup, so trust yourself that you know what you need, and don't go back to him.? (And don't listen to your brother!? He is incapable of taking your sexual needs seriously, because you're his sister and eeewwwww.? I know how he feels; I have three siblings, and none of them have ever had sex or ever will, because eeewwwww.? But I at least recognize that this makes me unfit to give them relationship advice.)
Anyone who tries to convince you that you shouldn't want good sex, satisfying sex, sex that makes you feel desired, is someone who does not have your best interests at heart.? Leaving an otherwise acceptable relationship because the sex is God-awful is not shallow or selfish, it is survival tactics. This guy was making you miserable.? Your description of pleading with him to put even a tiny bit of effort into your pleasure seriously broke my heart.? You were right all those times you broke up with him before, and you're right this time.? Don't go back.
As you well know, same-sex marriage is starting to gain some real traction and my home state of New York just joined the fight for equality by legalizing it. ?The queermo in me is ecstatic! ?Finally, people are starting to see that our love is no less real or worthy of recognition as heterosexual love.
The?bachelorette?in me, though, is feeling more and more alienated by the day. ?Now I can't even check my Facebook feed without seeing some blurb about a gay or lesbian couple that just got hitched. ?I know I'm supposed to be happy and that should be the end of it, but the real hierarchy of relationships in the United States is clear to me: It's couples vs. singles, not gay vs. straight. ?It used to be that the privileged group was married heterosexuals, but now it just married couples, period. ?Being gay is no longer an excuse for not getting married. ?Sex and the City did an entire episode of how single life is not even remotely appreciated in this country, so I won't get into that, but at least for a while being gay made me immune to the constant barrage of, "When are you getting married??" from my friends, whether I'm dating someone or not. ?No longer. ?As soon as NY made it legal, the world of coupled privilege came flooding back into my life.
Basically, I'm wondering how to navigate the new and exciting world of married gay couples without killing myself or someone else in the process? It seems like everyone I know is either married, engaged, or just moved in with their significant other. ?I want to be happy for my friends in established relationships, gay or straight, but it's difficult when it's clear that these people consider me somehow incomplete because I'm single. ?Doesn't a girl have a right to date herself, anymore? The push towards marriage, babies, etc. in this country has always been infuriating (we can want something else and still be happy!), but now that it includes queers too, I'm fast approaching my wits' end. ?Please advise?
God, yeah, it's awesome to be a gay couple getting married.? What with all this privilege I have, I never even think about the fact that my relationship won't be legally recognized or benefit from any of the protections straight marriages receive (turns out not all the homos live in New York!), because the point is that I have a partner, which means that I won, which means suck it, all you single bitches.
Hoo boy, are my cranky pants getting a workout today.? OK, let's both take a time out for a minute, breathe deeply, and drink some tea.? Consider what you're actually saying.? Do you have the right to date yourself?? Well, the federal government and 44 out of 50 states haven't declared that your singleness doesn't really count as singleness, because it's not the right kind of singleness, so yeah, as far as the law is concerned, it seems you have every right to do exactly what you want.? Once again, words mean things.? Be careful talking about your metaphorical rights to people whose actual legal rights are currently being denied, OK?
Look, I see what you mean.? I do.? And you absolutely have a valid point ? our culture holds up ?fall and love and get married? as the grand finish line of life, and if you haven't done that, some people assume that it's because you're failing at relationships, rather than succeeding at being single and awesome.? Which is fucked up!? You should be able to be single and awesome and have people cheer you on and possibly even throw you parties where you wear fancy clothes and eat cake, what the hell, why should couples get to have all the fun?
However.? I become concerned ? to say the least ? when you proceed from ?I should be able to live the way that I want? to ?it's SO OBNOXIOUS that a small minority of queers are now allowed to live in a way that I don't want!? I know that it seems like your community is the whole world, and that the Gay Marriage Establishment is full-on running the show, but please remember that in most places in this country, that is not the case.? A lot of partnered gay people are not feeling very privileged at all right now.? Most of us (and, um, all of us who are writing this column) cannot legally marry our chosen partners.? Some of us are still worried that we could lose our jobs if we talk about our partners at work.? So I would say that it is, at best, a whole lot premature to decide that married gay couples have become The Man.
Single people should be treated with respect and dignity, not as incomplete or pitiable.? That's true.? Gay people who want to get married should be allowed to do so.? That's also true.? The thing is, there's no conflict here.? Your queer friends, by gaining the right to deal with florists and venues and save-the-dates and seating charts and aaargh (GUYS planning a wedding is SUCH A PAIN), are not actually subtracting from the number of rights you have.? It's not like there are only so many to go around.? They're rights, not cookies.? And do you really want your fellow homos to be denied the right to wed if it's something they care about deeply, just because it doesn't sound like that much fun to you?? Of course you don't.
So you need to stop thinking ?my friends are getting married and I am the last single dyke in all the world,? and start thinking ?my friends are getting married!? That's so cool!? I hope they have an open bar.? You also need to stop assuming that your friends think you're a failure for being single.? Someone who makes a life choice that differs from your own is not insulting you, or implying that your choices are terrible; they're just different from you.? And isn't it awesome that you both have the right to be the lovely, different people you are?
Of course, if people really are asking you when you're getting married, they're intrusive jerks and you should blow them off.? Just say, ?As soon as Rihanna starts returning my calls,??and move on with your day.
I'm a queer identified woman and have been dating another queer identified woman for about a year. We have maintained a pretty fun and playful sex life, despite slight differences in sexual energy, exhausting jobs and odd schedules. Alas, here's the thing: She really is not into oral. Of course, I'm a big fan. I have been patient and we've explored other types of stimulation and activities, and have both been pretty satisfied. Recently, though, she's been more receptive to receiving and has really been enjoying that (and I, for the most part, have really enjoyed giving it). She feels guilty for not reciprocating and isn't sure what to do, what she is comfortable with. I'm having a hard time finding a balance between not pressuring her and self-advocating for what I want. I don't want to say "no head for you until I get some," but I also don't want to go without indefinitely, and of course I want to be a GGG partner.
I am not super into the model of give-some-to-get-some, when it comes to oral sex.? Head should be given joyously or not at all.? I'm not saying that eating pussy should necessarily be the most thrilling and satisfying activity of your life, but you should be getting off on the fact that you're getting her off, at least.? If you're enjoying going down on your girlfriend, it seems weird to me to hold that hostage until you get something else you want.? By the same token, giving head grudgingly because you're hoping to be repaid later is a quick way to kill your fun, playful sex life and replace it with boredom, resignation, and a whole lot of ?I'm just really tired tonight.?
If your girlfriend is avoiding it because she's inexperienced and worried she won't get you off, you may just need to keep being patient and reassuring her.? Let her know that you're not necessarily expecting an orgasm the first time she's down there ? or even the fifth.? These are exploratory missions so she can get her bearings.? Once she feels a little more comfortable, you'll try raising the stakes.? If, on the other hand, she's tried it in previous relationships and just hates it ... well, I can't pretend to understand that, but you've got to respect it.? Trying to argue someone into being more sexually compatible with you is just not going to work.
You might need to have a Big Lesbian Feelings Talk (BLFT) with your girlfriend and find out if being with her long-term means never having a tongue on your clit again.? And if the answer is ?yes,? then you have to decide whether that's something you can live with.
Hey Queer Chick!? I have a question about nomenclature: So in your case, "queer" means gay, and I've heard that it can also include bi folks, but does it stop there or can it include other points on the gay-straight spectrum as well?? I've heard that anyone who's "outside the accepted sexual norms" or something like that can be queer, but that seems really vague and unhelpful.? I'm all for people being whatever they say they are, and I'd never argue with anyone who told me they were queer, I'm just confused about what exactly that word implies these days.? For example, can a bi dude be queer or is it just gay and bi ladies who get that distinction?? Can you be gay WITHOUT being queer?? Thanks for your help!
?Queer? is basically the greatest word ever.? It refers to pretty much anyone who is a sexual outsider, which is why I love it so much, because it describes pretty much all my favorite people.? Plus, it's not quite as versatile as ?fuck,? but it's bendy ? it can be used as an adjective, a noun, or a verb.
It's a lot roomier than ?gay?? or ?lesbian,??which is why I tend to use it when talking about myself (one of my favorite activities).? ?Lesbian? is a little more ... specific than is actually appropriate for my sexual past.? (I do use ?gay? and ?lesbian? more or less interchangeably with ?queer? to describe my current relationship, which I don't ever plan on not being in.)? ?Bisexual with a strong preference for lady-sex? would be sort of accurate, except that I hate the word ?bisexual.? It feels weird and restrictive and small, and doesn't fit into the way I see myself.? It sounds like someone who likes dudes 50% of the time and ladies 50% of the time, and doesn't allow for fluidity or, for that matter, attraction to people who identify as something other than ?dude? or ?lady.? Queer is much more inclusive.? It's also becoming more and more popular as a catch-all ? not surprising, since the alternative (LGBTQQIA, unless they've added some recently) doesn't exactly roll off the tongue.
Although I will always defer to any individual or couple's preferred terminology, I am comfortable using ?queer? to denote pretty much any relationship or sex act other than cis-dude-on-cis-lady.? (I know some straight trans people who don't feel that their relationships are in any way queer, and other straight trans people who do, so I'm going to go ahead and say that you should use it if you feel it applies to you, and if not, don't.? Such are my nuanced linguistic views.)? So, to answer your question:? yes, bi dudes can be queer, and so can gay dudes and bi ladies and pansexual people and those with genderqueer partners.? Basically, if someone tells you that she's queer, you should not assume that you know one single thing about the type of person she likes to fuck, except that if you asked you'd probably get an interesting answer.? And what's not to love about a word like that?
Previously: Coming Out, BLFTs, and the Struggles of the Incredibly Hot.
Lindsay Miller knows everything. Do you have?a question for A Queer Chick?
Photo by ??Anna Sedneva, via Shutterstock
Source: http://thehairpin.com/2011/09/marriage-the-word-queer-and-is-my-boyfriend-gay
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